Mama Knows Best

Before my kids became teenagers, I was still using the same worn-out old slang phrases I’d been carting around for years. I’d tell my kids to “chill out” and “stop trippin” when they were “acting up.” If I liked something, it was “cool.” Otherwise, it could be a “bummer.”

I don’t think I’ll ever stop using such tried and true words and phrases. But I’m hip enough to know I’ve gotta keep up with the times. So I’ve updated my slang, thanks to a whole new set of fun slang words and phrases that I’ve learned from my kids.

I’m sure you have an interest in being as hip as I am, so I’ll share with you a beginners list of de rigeur slang. Use these phrases wisely, and you might be elevated to the status of “the cool parent.” Don’t have kids whose friends you want to impress? Use these words and phrases to increase your mystique and make other adults envious of how “tight” (cool) you are.

My Bad: Def. I made a mistake, I recognize that mistake, and I’m sorry.

Who said “sorry” is the hardest word? Who cares? You don’t have to use it anymore. Replace wimpy, whiny “I’m sorry” with “my bad,” and you’ll get automatic r-e-s-p-e-c-t, even in the face of massive screw-ups. Hint for enhanced cred: When you tell someone “my bad,” make sure you indicate yourself by patting your chest with your open hand. That way, they know you know it’s truly YOUR bad and you have the cojones to admit it.

Real Talk: Def. Telling the blunt and honest truth.

This term is often used to differentiate someone who is not only telling the truth, but also stands in stark contrast to those around him or her who are not as straightforward.

Recently, my daughter told me that she wants Obama for President because he’s “on that real talk,” and doesn’t “bulls**t” around like Clinton and McCain.

Jacked Up: Def. Thoroughly messed up.

I love this term. So handy, so useful, so many applications. Hell, for teenagers, anything can be jacked up. . . a too-short haircut, a friend’s unfortunate choice of outfit, the house after that party you held while the parents were gone.

Now think about the possibilities for yourself. Perhaps you owe some taxes this year, even though you’re living paycheck to paycheck? That’s jacked up! Your cell phone fell in the toilet because you’re so busy you can’t even stop to pee? Now your phone’s jacked up. Your kid wrecked the car? Yep. It’s jacked up, too.

Come at Me Sideways: Def. Approaching a person in a disrespectful manner.

One day, my daughter came home from school with a scowl on her face.

“What’s wrong with you?” I innocently asked.

“Dude. I’m just sick of people comin’ at me sideways all the time.”

“Hmmm,” I thought. “Who came at you sideways and how did they do it?”

“This man Tyrell came up to me and told me he heard I was talking to Matt over at JC’s party last weekend. I said ‘don’t come at me sideways with that mess.’ If he’s gonna believe what he hears, he’s got it bent, twisted AND sideways.”

“Okay. Sounds like you took care of him, then.”

“Still, I hate when people come at me sideways with a bunch of mess.”

I think you can see the possibilities for this rich (and somewhat comical) phrase!

Puttin Me on Blast: Def. To call someone out in public.

Have you ever sat in a meeting and had someone point a finger at you because you didn’t do some silly little to-do that was assigned in some endless meeting that generated so many to-dos that you couldn’t keep track and then when the minutes came out, you didn’t actually read them? There you sit, scribbling a meal plan and the groceries you’re going to pick up on the way home, when you’re forced to attention because it’s been made known that you didn’t finish the pie chart or whatever. Now you can take control of the situation by asking the little brown-nosing snitch who ratted you out, “Why you puttin me on blast up here in front of everyone?” This will redirect the attention from you and your (rare) dereliction of duty and onto the person who everyone now will see as a petty little climber who’s willing to step on the backs of his/her colleagues to move up the ladder.

Posted Up: Def. Situated in a certain position

This is NOT like posting up, or being posted up, by an opponent in a basketball game. Take that image out of your head. Picture instead someone taking up a certain space in a certain position. A person can be posted up pretty much anywhere. On the couch, at the dinner table, at your computer.

You can especially be posted up by the front door waiting when your kid breaks curfew.

a Minute: Def. A long time.

The phrase “a minute” is a clever turnabout of meaning, because what the utterer REALLY means is “a long time.” If you haven’t seen someone since last summer, you could say “I haven’t seen you in a minute.” Hint: it sounds better if you say “I AIN’T seen you in a minute.”

I recently had to call my husband’s attention to the fact that he hadn’t done his share of the laundry in “a minute.” He replied that he’d get right on it. . . in “a minute.”

You see just how very useful this phrase can be.

Blowin Up My Phone: Def. Calling a person a lot on their phone.

A few days ago, I was looking for our house phone, which had disappeared from it’s base. I found it upstairs, attached to my older son’s ear.

“Why are you using the house phone? You have a cell phone.”

He covered the mouthpiece. “Naw, though, mom.” He pointed at the house phone. “This girl was blowin up my cell phone. But I need it to text. So we’re talking on this phone.”

I’m sure you’ve had people blowin up your phone before, right? Unfortunately, for adults, the ones blowing up our phones are the people you don’t really want to hear from THAT much: your boss, telemarketers, bill collectors, your kids when they need money.

Beast: Def. A person who excels at something, particularly in sports.

Not only can one BE “a beast,” one can also engage in the act of beasting, as in “He was beastin’ on the court.” This handy word can also be used as an adjective: “That was a beast move.”

In think there are endless possibilities beyond the sports world, as well, because you can really be a beast at anything, can’t you?

“Mom’s a beast on the computer. She’s writing all the time.”

“Dad busted a beast move on them ribs.”

“Obama’s beastin on the campaign trail.”

Hater: Def. A jealous person who gossips and/or down-talks about others.

My daughter is a true aficionado when it comes to the various uses of the word “hater.” According to her, haters are everywhere. Haters who hate. Haters who be hatin. Haters do things like “put your business on blast because they’re jealous” and “come at you sideways with stuff thats none of their business.”

Do you have haters in your life? Turn the tables, put THEM on blast, and ask ‘em “Why you drinkin all that haterade, man?”

Special props (thanks) to my daughter, Quent, for her help with all of the above.

That’s it for now. I hope you’ll be able to find ways to use these words and phrases in your daily conversation. And stay tuned for future updates on more handy slang!

Until then,

Deuces (Goodbye)

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